Quarter Life Crisis

October 14, 2011

With a short six months left of my Peace Corps service, I’ve found my thoughts turning more and more often to one question: what next?

Truth be told, I’ve been asking myself this question since almost day 1 of my service. With two years firmly placed between myself and the necessity of choice the future would force on me, I was free to fantasize without commitment to paths my life might take. I’ve contemplated grad school, teaching in Las Vegas, teaching outside of Las Vegas, teaching for the department of defense, working for the Peace Corps, and becoming a Foreign Service Officer (also known as “international vagabond”). I’ve even contemplated extending my Peace Corps service for a third year just so I’d have more time to weigh my options!

But what it comes down to is this: how do I choose a life for myself? How do I pick just one path?

Everyone has to ask themselves this sooner or later. Many people don’t get to choose, because life chooses for them. Through a combination of circumstance, societal pressure, or sheer happenstance, they end up shoved down a path not of their choosing, and whether they like it or not is of limited importance in the grand scheme of things. But lucky me, I come from a family and circumstances that have allowed me the luxury of trying on different lives to see how I like them. With the mental, emotional, and financial support of my parents, I’ve studied abroad, gone through college, and been in the Peace Corps. I’ve taken classes in everything from economics to linguistics, music to water polo. I’ve learned a new language, made friends from every corner of the world, and lived in a completely different culture than the one I was raised in. And what have I gotten out of all this?

A whole lot of flippin’ options.

I’ve been indecisive and lacked follow-through my whole life. As a child, I wanted to alternately grow up to be a nurse, a ballerina, a pianist, the president of the United States, an artist, and a teacher. I guess it’s not surprising that, twenty years later, my decision making skills haven’t appreciably changed. Although my choices have become somewhat less fantastic.

Part of me desperately wants the life of an international gadabout – I could take the Foreign Service Exam, and spend the rest of my life working in embassies, bouncing from country to country every few years. I could learn more languages, visit new places, and have stories to tell that most people only dream of. But that life has a price, and one I’m not sure I’m willing to pay. Do I want to be so far from my home, my family and friends, and everything familiar? These two years have been the time of my life, but they’ve also contained some of the lonliest moments I’ve ever had. Do I want my nieces and nephews to only know me from phone calls and occasional visits home, as a friendly stranger who brings them gifts? Do I want to miss birthdays and Christmases and recitals?

Do I want a family of my own? Is that a price this life would demand of me? How old would I be when I finally got around to thinking about having children? Looking for a husband? Creating a home? What if I waited for too long, and that other life passed me by?

My friend Chelsea advised me, “Find what you’re passionate about, and do it.” What I don’t think she realized is that she’s one in a million, the exception to the rule. She’s someone who’s willing to take the plunge, risk it all, and do something different that she loves. Our generation loves to talk about our passions – but the truth is, that not one person in ten of us is a Chelsea. Not one in ten of us is actually brave enough to pursue our passion. It takes incredible courage and resilience, because chasing one dream often shunts other dreams to the side. It often takes you away from home and comfort, away from people who know you best. It takes a life of easy decisions and gives you one filled with painful choices. When it comes right down to it, most of us choose to go more or less where life leads us because that’s what makes sense. While few of us would choose a life path that we abhor because society expects it of us, the majority of us would choose a life path that we find comfortable, because it’s laid neatly in front of us, and to hell with the insane whims of youthful passion.